The irony of salt in the wound, is that I have found that saltwater has a way of healing old wounds. Perhaps it is the salt in the wounds that makes us confront pain and finally be willing to set it free to the ocean's tide, opening ourselves up to grace and mercy. Salt is a purifier and water cleanses - the ocean heals. It is a place of serenity, even though it is a wild abandon - the edge of the earth.
I have been grappling with a lot of life decisions - roadblocks and questions. I was in a similar spot the last time I was in Wrightsville in March 2015 - where I enjoyed three days at the Sandpeddler Resort, writing, listening to the music and connecting with God and myself. In a pivotal moment I was led to read Job 42:10: 'When Job prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes.'
Like a crash of a thunder wave in the ocean - I was able to perceive the need for deep forgiveness - for those who hurt me and let me down - and to forgive myself...love myself and learn to seek buried treasure in Christ.
I has been a rough road, but a gracious one. I compare the past year and a half to sea glass that is beaten down and has to journey hundreds or thousands of miles before winding up on a distance shore. The glass tries to be self-directed but it is at the mercy of the currents, storms and the hidden abyss of the sea. It knows that if it every gets out of the trampling currents of the ocean - the glass will not be the same - it will be changed by the journey and the destination and entirely new beginning...and yet it is still glass - it is still defined by the journey and yet separate.
A lot of things I demanded that God change in my life, have not changed - I still am searching for another job and I need to let go of anxiety issues, but I see the progress I've made as I return to the shores where I first gave over my pain to the ocean and allowed the Atlantic Ocean to sweep away the worry and doubt. I know I am still learning and growing
I am thinking back on Job 42:10 and the beauty, like broken sea glass - smooth and rough, shells that are imperfect and still amazingly unique and serene....I am beginning to see that God's grace has been active in the pain, teaching me - helping me to learn the lessons from the hurt and yet separate myself from it. So when I reach the destination, I am refined by the journey and yet separate from the pain - refined by it and not defined by it and that is a hard line to negotiate and yet I find the peace to do so in the crashing ebb and flow of the waves, sea salt foam and broken shells on the sand.
Restoring our fortunes isn't always about getting back what we want or obtaining goals by our terms - Restoration is a reconciliation to love and accepting grace and moving forward in love. Restoration of fortunes may be the ability to not crave the past yearnings of a broken heart, but to rest in quiet peace. Restoration my not be financial treasure, but digging deep into the buried treasure of the heart....I'll continue to muse on this in future posts.
I discovered the healing peace of just being in the moment and breathing in the grace of the ocean breeze, of allowing my mind to wander into my imagination. Strolling along the shore I remembered dreaming of the endless myth and magic of the ocean aura as a child...mermaids and talking pelicans...sand castles that I could live in forever and emerald waters....Sometimes we need to just be kids, to dream, to enjoy the journey...to explore and enjoy the simplest experiences on an extraordinary level...why also accepting current mysteries as mysteries we don't have to find a map to....
I don't have all the answers, but I know this is a beautiful world...with amazing hope and grace.
Standing on the edge of the Crystal Pier, I mused that this is the end of my known world...the end of the road, the only way forward is to jump into something new, something fierce, something beautiful and chaotic and it is scary. Taking steps towards change isn't easy and yet it is the only way forward...At this juncture you can jump into the unknown - otherwise you will be forced to turn around and live in the past or repeat the same patterns.
Do we sink or swim?
It is important to note that sometimes change isn't what we think it should be - big life changes where we move into another hemisphere...sometimes our lives stay relatively the same in itinerary and yet we allow our hearts to open more to love - to experience, to peace and to God. Sometimes the hardest change is to accept blessings right where we are.
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